A grey strip. How depressing is that? Grey. We’re going to represent our country, what colour best shows how we as a country see ourselves and what we want to project ourselves as being to the rest of the world (or Europe at least)? Grey. Grey? Yeah ok then, we’ll just do some crazy colours on the goalies kit to make up for it.

What on earth am I talking about?

I think I’ve done a Gareth Southgate.

The memory of his penalty in Euro ’96 is so vivid I almost believe I must have been standing behind him in the penalty box to have seen it so clearly.

I don’t like penalty shoot outs. Yes there’s the drama and unpredictability of them but what does it give you at the end of the match? The ‘winning team’ is the one that is not better at football necessarily but better at penalties.

I’ve not come up with a better system though, extra time is good. Golden goal was not so good.

Why am I ranting about this topic and how on earth to I have anything in common with Gareth Southgate?

No, I haven’t managed Middlesbrough Football Club.

I think a penalty shoot out is like an interview. And I’ve had a few interviews recently and haven’t hit the back of the net once.

I’m an English footballer in a penalty shoot out. The pressure is on and my ability is best shown in the open game not this fabricated unnatural environment. I try to do my best. Clear your mind, they say. I don’t know who ‘they’ are. But they say clear your mind. I do. Not that clear! I start to wonder if they have deliberately made the clock tick louder for the interview. How would they go about doing that? It seems like they would be better spending their time thinking of good interview questions to ask, or making sure there’s water to drink for the candidate’s interrogation. It seems there time would have been better spent doing a paint by numbers and yet that clock is so loud it can’t have just been manufactured that way.

Oh, what was it they said? Tell them about a time when I communicated to others it was appropriate to put work group priorities ahead of personal interests. I don’t think I can talk about trying to get Andy out of bed to do his part of a presentation on the work of Aristotle. His interest was sleeping, the work group ‘me and him’ interest was in not looking stupid when standing up in front of everybody else and talking about Aristotle.

No, I can’t say that. Something else then.

That clock really is loud……

I’ve had a few things happen that have been making me think about this conflict. What is the most important, the individual or society?

I don’t believe I need to spell out where I would fall on this debate, but I will anyway. I think society is important, and some of the issues we face today are down to the fact that our focus has switched from society to the individual.

It’s about what I want, when I want it.

Takeaway pizza, BBC iPlayer, online shopping, Spotify.

These things aren’t bad; in fact, I enjoy all of these things. I realise though that they shouldn’t be an indicator for how I live my entire life. I like the fact that I can get pizza delivered to my house if I want to pay for that, but I don’t expect everything to come to me at a time it’s convenient for me.

I indulge myself with these things and I enjoy it. But there is a greater prize in working for and having concern for more than just myself.

It’s difficult sometimes to articulate why I think the way I do. That’s part of why keeping this blog (however irregularly) is good thing for me. It makes me try and think about my opinions and challenge myself on them.

On this issue, it just seems obvious to me that we should care for each other in a society rather than putting the focus on individuals. That’s not a watertight reason though. It’s like at school when someone asked you a difficult question and the response was ‘just, because’. It doesn’t make you look clever, but works reasonably well in moving the conversation on. I won’t insult you by trying to do that here though.

So, why should we focus on people beyond ourselves? Why shouldn’t I just focus on what’s best for me and get as much as I can from that?

I don’t believe it’s a really satisfying way to live. It might bring some short term happiness but it’s not what it’s really about.
There are also some challenges that require us to work as a collective, there’s strength to be found in a community that we don’t by ourselves possess.

One of the things I’ve been doing the last couple of weekends is training for a project called ‘War on Climate Change’. It’s run by the Muslim Agency for Development & Enterprise and is an interfaith project working on campaigning around the issue of climate change. It has been really exciting so far, meeting other young people of faith who are passionate about putting their faith into action on such vital issues.

Something that I’ve noticed has come up time and again in conversation is the idea of community. How it’s important, in religion but also in more general terms. It was suggested that this idea of community was something different the faith community could offer to the climate change debate. Helping us examine the way we can become subject to one another.

Another conversation I’ve had recently concerning the topic of the individual and society was in a bar with a member of Christian Aid staff. We were discussing politics and found out we lived in the same constituency. It’s a Conservative strong hold and I mentioned how I had never really known anything but a Labour government. When the Conservatives were last in power I was more interested in listening to my Just William cassette tapes than Yesterday in Parliament on Radio 4. We went onto discuss how the two main parties have gone to crowd the centre ground in recent years.

The opinion of the person I was talking to is epitomised by the following sentence. Conservatism is about the individual, Labour is about society. It’s a simplification for sure and he accepted that, but he said he couldn’t shake the feeling that underneath all the centrist phrases David Cameron was saying, it didn’t change what would be at the heart of a Conservative government.

Here’s a quote from Margaret Thatcher:

They’re casting their problem on society. And, you know, there is no such thing as society. There are individual men and women, and there are families. And no government can do anything except through people, and people must look to themselves first. It’s our duty to look after ourselves and then, also to look after our neighbour. People have got the entitlements too much in mind, without the obligations.

It makes me uncomfortable reading that. I have some understanding of where it comes from, but the sentiment that it’s me first and then everyone else……like I say, uncomfortable.

I thought a lot of people reacted against the politics they grew up with, despite living under a Blair and Brown government I’m still not finding David Cameron politically attractive. Or attractive but the aesthetic appeal of politicians is not a debate for here, more for here.

Ok I don’t know Aaron Sorkin, but if his writing is a reflection of his personality, which I believe it has a good chance of being, I think I may fall in love with him if I met him. I’m making no assumptions as to how he would feel about me though. There’s also an age difference, in fact as I think about it while I write I’m not sure falling in love with Aaron Sorkin is a good or likely thing to happen. I have fallen in love with his writing though.

He’s a smart man. When watching West Wing I feel like I’m sitting down to a Shakespeare play. It’s not that I’m comparing the writing to Shakespeare’s but I generally have little idea of what exactly is going on, spend a couple of minutes wondering how I’m going to pretend to other people afterwards I did know what happened in the show/play and then by about ten minutes I’m so absorbed I forget the events I’m watching actually haven’t happened.

Anyway, one of the reasons I like watching it is because it makes me think about the opinions I hold.

Religion is a complicated thing. I know very religious people and atheists. People who believe all things good come from religion and people who believe it is only evil that comes from religion.

Studio 60 attempts to tackle this issue with two people who hold completely different views on religion.

This clip from the end of the series summarises a lot of what they think. I would recommend you taking a look:

Faith

I went to talk with a vicar earlier this week, not to confess my sins, but to drink some tea and have a chat. It was good, he’s an interesting man and we covered topics from homelessness to interfaith relations. I was talking to him about a lot of the issues I have with church, how I believe it is alienating people and a lot of the time it also seems irrelevant to people.

Anyway, he said something that I thought was pretty wise.

There are three things he thought church should be: open, warm and intelligent. And there are three things that a lot of people find church: closed, cold and stupid.

That was the crux of it in his opinion. That’s how we should aim to interact with people from those who see the world exactly as we do, to those we wildly disagree with.

I’m willing to have a go at that, how about you?

You can watch test cricket all day long

You don’t have to get out of bed when your alarm clock goes off

You can have lunch whenever you like and not have to fit in with other people

You can watch the whole series of Studio 60 in a matter of days rather than weeks

You can volunteer when you like and not just in evenings and at weekends

You don’t have to think about what to put on in the morning, so long as it’s clean and even that’s a preference rather than a requirement.

You can see more of your friends and family.

You have more opportunity to cook more than baked beans on a tortilla wrap (as the bread ran out and you had no time to go to the shops).

You can write more on your blog as you’ve more time to think about things.

You have time to write e-mails to people you’ve meant to get in touch with for ages.

You can read more of the news and have a better chance of doing well in the ‘current news stories’ round of a pub quiz.

Bad things about being unemployed

The ‘what are you doing now?’ conversations with people are increasingly awkward

You stay up too late as there’s nothing to do in the morning, so….

you sleep late and waste the morning

When someone asks ‘what have you done today?’ you become quite defensive and try and think of something other than watching another Aaron Sorkin show.

You’re not earning anything

Filling in application forms takes up hours and days of your time, whereas….

Reading another rejection e-mail from an organisation takes seconds.

Meeting up with friends who are relatively successful makes you bitter and twisted.

You’ve not got a real appreciation for time, as it becomes a drag rather than a luxury.

You’ve loads of time to over think things and over analyse things that aren’t that important.

You don’t sleep properly and so are still tired for no good reason.

You have too much time to look on facebook or over old e-mails and start living in the past rather than the present.

You don’t write more on your blog because you don’t think you’ve anything interesting to write about.

You’re not contributing much to society.

You have the time to watch the England cricket team self destruct in real time.

Dear Hannah,

This is without doubt going to be a strange letter for you to receive. After all, how often is it that you get a letter from yourself? That’s right, there’s no need to go into too many Doctor Who-esque explanations about how this has happened and the possible consequences, the point is this is a letter from your future self.

If I’ve got this right you should be getting this letter near the beginning of 2010. You are wondering what on earth to do with your life and feeling frustrated at the progress you are making. You’re not having much luck in trying to find a job, even that application to be an elf was fruitless. It’s not like that was your dream, but still the rejection hurts.

Well, good news Hannah! As it turns out you do make something of yourself. You don’t live at home forever, a drain on your parents, ending up in a bedsit with only a cat and BBC iPlayer for company. I’m not sure how much I can tell you, but maybe the way you’ve received this letter will enlighten you.

I’ve written it to be submitted to the Ooffoo Annual Laureate Competition 2010. The brief is this: “Write a letter to any leading world figure that could change the world.” Who have I written to? You. Well, me and I’m you. I’ve written to us. Hannah. Following? Yes, you (that is me…… ok enough of that); you will be in a position at some point in the future to change the world. A leading world figure. I’m not really allowed to say much more than that; the specifics will remain a surprise for you.

Right, I’ve wasted enough space explaining all of that. On to the important business. I am going to give you some advice.

I know you see world leaders now as people they are rather than the title they hold. So, you wonder how they seem to have forgotten the person they are and only see the job they have. I’m writing to you to give you advice that you would do well to remember (or print off and keep somewhere safe, then you don’t have to remember but just go and look at the print off for reference). Right, let’s get on with it.

Change. That’s what you yearn for more than anything else. But your thoughts and rhetoric, the evenings boring friends on your ‘put the world to rights’ speeches in the pub need to be the start not the end of your quest for change.

Speak out, yes. It’s good for people to hear what you have to say. They may not know what you are telling them, the facts may be new to them. They may not always want to hear it because it’s challenging but speak from the heart and some will listen. That’s not all though, you expect too much sometimes. People may be overwhelmed with what you say, or they may be charged up to do something about what you’ve told them. Give them a way to act. People will be frustrated if they feel powerless to do anything.

Don’t give up, I know it’s difficult. You want to see change now, not in five years time. Change does happen, will happen. However you need a balance between your desire for instantaneous change and the need for the change to be the right one, happening in the right way.

Be willing to listen to others, always be open minded to the fact that others will give you information or ideas to challenge and even change your own.

Don’t get too depressed about people. Stay firm to the belief that people are good. Normal people can and do accomplish incredible things. From the teacher who managed to help you pass GSCE French, a miracle if ever there was one, to the inner city youth worker who refuses to give up on a teenager when so many other have, people are amazing.

Work hard to understand why people do what they do. What motivates people? If you can understand that then you will be in a better position to talk with them, and to persuade them to listen to you.

Don’t expect to be thanked. That’s not why you yearn for the change; it’s bigger and more important than you. I know you want people to like you. If that was the most important thing though, you probably would have given stand up comedy a real go. So, do the right thing. That’s not always the popular thing. People will value that in the long run.

You might be wondering what the point of this is. Why don’t I just tell you exactly what will happen and the decisions you should make? Well, what fun would that be? The unexpected things in life can be the best things. I know it would save your nerves, and fingernails, if I told you the results of the next few Ashes series and if Arsenal ever do the double again but trust me you wouldn’t enjoy the journey nearly as much.

Hopefully this friendly advice will stand you in good stead. Why don’t I already know it will? Well, time is a confusing thing. Who’s to say the you writing this letter will exist if you make different decisions in life?

The future isn’t decided by me Hannah. It’s in your hands.

All my love,

Hannah.

P.S. In case you were wondering we don’t have hover cars in the future. Some scientist ended up breeding pigs and eagles (don’t ask me how……I don’t believe it was dinner and dancing before one thing led to another though) and so now pigs really do fly, and that’s how we get around. Can you believe that?!

Copenhagen: it’s up to us

It made me think about the issue of direct action. I’ve always been hesitant in getting involved in direct action, but reading this article made me think again. There are different types of direct action, you don’t have to be violent but it is a step up from signing a petition. Maybe that’s what I want to do. Do more than write my name on a postcard or talk about things, but take a step up.

There’s definitely a debate to be had about direct action in the campaigning effort. For example, the suffragist/suffragette debate. Did the more militant suffragettes help or hinder the fight for women to get the vote?

Another example might be the anti-apartheid movement in South Africa? Nelson Mandela who is an inspiration to many became frustrated with protests and not only lead workers to strike but also became leader of the ANC’s armed wing. As I understand it this aimed to bomb symbolic places of apartheid but never to injure or kill anybody. Was that right or wrong?

We maybe don’t have to go that far; Ghandi can perhaps be seen as the father of peaceful protest. But that doesn’t mean he sat around and wasn’t willing to put himself in uncomfortable situations in opposition to British rule. Non-cooperation meant he went to prison. He believed that all violence was evil.

I feel some resonance with that. I’m not sure how far I would take that but in most situations I believe it.

The title of this comes from a Martin Luther King Jr quote and there’s another I want to share: “We who engage in non-violent direct action are not the creators of tension. We merely bring to the surface the hidden tension that is already alive”.

So violent protests aren’t the answer in my opinion, but non-violent direct action? The world watched and was let down at Copenhagen, no more than the poorest in the world. People cared about what could happen in the last two weeks. Just because now it is closer to Christmas and the Doctor Who special it doesn’t mean we have to stop caring. Like Johann Hari says maybe now is the time we stand up and show how much we are willing to do, because who else will?

I also had some confidence in myself. I don’t like the self promotion involved in job applications and interviews but I had just finished ten months with Christian Aid, I had been in front of about 20 hyperactive children with the technology failing and the main activity I had planned taking ten minutes and do you know what? I survived that. I survived. Not only that but I did some things I was proud of.

I didn’t have to get involved in self promotion, just be proud of what I had done and tell people honestly about that.

Christian Aid is full of wonderful people and even some of them where telling me I would go on to do well, I was talented. That filled me with confidence. So, I didn’t have a plan, I hadn’t done a vocational degree. Instead deciding to try and unravel the mysteries of the universe failing; and deciding in fact the world was in a pretty bad shape and maybe I could do something to help there.

Anyway, despite not having a path before me (or not knowing which one to take) I found it exciting and backed myself.

Maybe a bit too much, I thought by now I would have a job. I know, it’s very competitive to get a job in development or even in the non-profit sector. I know it’s a time of recession. I know that. I also know I’m 22 and people change careers two or three times now. I also know a little bit of rocket science. (Just one of those things isn’t relevant).

Someone who knows me (well, by ‘knows me’ I mean they’ve heard a lot about me from my Mum and I recognise their face but would be embarrassed if I had to present them to a member of the royal family), asked whether I was being too fussy. Well, it has been a no from Waterstones, Phones 4u, the Royal Mail, Argos and the grotto company that employs elves for shopping centres (well for grottos in shopping centres, not just to hang around shopping centres).

I’ve applied for roles I never thought I would because I don’t expect to get my perfect job straight away and I so desperately want to use what my whole education and gap year with Christian Aid has been building to. Making a real difference. I know it sounds cheesy and if I was able to a bucket would pop out of the screen for you to mime throwing up into.

Now though I’m having doubts. I’m not sure this is what I’m meant to do. Maybe I should become a maths teacher. That would be useful for society and I’m quite good at maths and there’s the bonus experience of working with children.

I’m finding it difficult to stay motivated. Days pass and I couldn’t tell you what I had done of any use.

Now the doubts grow. I have fear .

Fear about carrying on like this and if by some strange set of circumstances I actually get a job I’m scared I won’t be any good at it. Or scared I feel like I don’t want one anymore because I’ve not had one. Fear of failing when I get one.

I think everyone has moments like that though. Where the fear, the nervous knot in your stomach isn’t just a good motivator to make you achieve to the best of your abilities but a barrier to doing what you want to.

I always thought when I was doing academic work a day would come when people would see through me, I would be exposed as a fraud who knew nothing. So I worked harder. Sometimes I think that day has come. People have seen through me and I can’t get the belief back.

I wonder if world leaders feel the same. At important times they want to stand up and be counted but sometimes they choke. I want to understand why it seems Copenhagen isn’t going to be what it should have been. The excuses will flow but I want to see past that and understand what happened. It’s not over. It doesn’t have to be. Copenhagen was a point, it could have been a historic point in the fight against climate change but it wasn’t ever the end of the fight.

Maybe it’s a temporary setback. Maybe I’ve got the same thing. The Copenhagen problem.

I know it has been a while since I wrote and so now it’s a mess of thoughts on the internet, I would apologise but I expect you know what you’re getting when you read this now.

I’m in the mood for a list entry today……

10 things I have done/thought about since my last entry….

1)       Carried a bag round London for a Bollywood brass band

2)       Seen Michael Fish and Peter Capaldi in the same place

3)       Sustained minor injuries on my hands after helping make 3,600 placards

4)       Appeared in the background of a Christian Aid video on YouTube

5)       Been turned down for the placement in Africa I applied to

6)       Had an offer from an associate director at Christian Aid to look at my CV and give me advice on applying for jobs.

7)        Been told I inspired a vicar’s writing on his sabbatical.

8)       Applied for a job at the Card Factory

9)       Sponsored two amazing people who are cycling to Copenhagen

10)   Thought about changing career paths and become a football agent.

And what have you done in the last 12 days (not of Christmas)?

It posed the question of how far we go in pursuit of what we perceive to be justice and what we see our role as in that process.

I believe we should be outspoken, honest (even if it’s unpopular) and shocking (as how else do we get people’s attention)? There must be a line though. Even if it seems the people we are trying to influence or expose for what they are don’t seem to adhere to the rules we (or the state if we’re talking about what’s legal and not) impose on us.

It makes me think of school. Not that I went to a rough school where guns were flaunted about – if you believe some people it was posher (or should that be more posh) than an aristocrat’s ermine cloak – but because of bullies. “Don’t sink to their level” or “rise above it” is advice familiar to many.

These eight richest men in the world were global bullies, not caring who got in their way. The bottom line is the bottom line and that’s what counts.

Now, I’ve a couple of issues.

Firstly how much can these men be held account for what their companies did? I’m not defending them, merely playing devil’s advocate. Did they know enough that they should be murdered? I’m sure they know some of what was happening but how much? If this is an issue, than is some of our role as activists to make sure these people do know what their companies are doing and perhaps, more to the point know we know what they’re doing. I do believe consumers are powerful people.

The second issue; is how far do we go in pursuit of what we believe. What rules are appropriate to impose on ourselves? I don’t know the answers to this. It’s finding a balance between being honest about how effective we are being and if we are compromising ourselves.

I love TV like this. Yes, partly because I am lazy (and have few friends) but mostly because the train of thought it sets off. It’s like The West Wing which I have started watching recently.

I now more than ever realise why I couldn’t be a politician. Firstly I am no where near thick skinned enough but secondly it’s one big compromise. To be in a position of power and influence you will have to compromise to get there. At which point does that not become worthwhile because you’ve compromised so much?

So, what am I saying here?

1)       If you can watch Spooks

2)       Then West Wing

3)       How do we create an atmosphere for change when the people with the power like the status quo?

4)       Should we compromise what we believe?

5)       How much?

Then there were the questions themselves. I had to write a bit about where I live, the house I live in, as well as describing some experiences which have had an impact on my life.

Then to finish it off I needed to write a ‘motivational letter’. I wanted to share it with you. Before you read it, I apologise for the self promotion, I don’t like it but it seems a necessary evil to make myself sound as brilliant as possible. Grim and bear it as in between it all there might be something you find interesting.

Dear Ms Williams,

I have taken an unconventional path, in some ways, to the time where I have come to sit down and write this letter.

While I was at school I had a strong desire to do well academically without a particular career in mind. My ability to be motivated and a desire to do my very best in everything I do is something I continue to have to this day. It was shown to be successful through my academic results, culminating in a 1^st Class Degree in Physics and the Universe from Reading University.

I chose to study Physics and the Universe because I was fascinated by the answers physics held, the questions posed and the philosophical aspect of looking in to theories of the beginning and end of the universe. I will never cease to be amazed when I look up in to the clear night sky and see the vastness of the universe.

The reason I am keen to volunteer rather than pursue a career in physics is my longing to use the skills I have gained through academia in the most useful way possible to make the world a better place.

I learnt an awful lot from spending ten months with the international development charity Christian Aid. I have developed skills that would be of great use volunteering abroad. I particularly enjoyed the chance to work with young people, whose enthusiasm and opinions are refreshing and challenging. I found it extremely rewarding to help them realise they have the opportunity and potential to change the world.

The short time I spent overseas with Christian Aid inspired me in my work more than I realised it would. I learnt an awful lot about another country, its culture, the people of the country and myself. I believe if given the opportunity to volunteer for a longer period of time I would make the most of it, giving my all to the project I was volunteering for, while being aware enough to learn from it.

I have learnt that my real passion lies in international development. The world is madly unjust and I want to weep with sorrow at it, cry out in anger but mostly I want to do all I can to strive against injustice in the world to show others if we all did how much better it would be.

The end of poverty in the world is not a dream of foolish people. We as humans know what we have to do to end poverty, what is lacking is political will. I believe we need to work together to create the environment for the eradication of poverty. To move poverty from being something we just read in the papers or see on the television, to something that is banished to the history books.

To be given the chance to volunteer overseas and continue my education in a way that will equip me to make decisions about the next few years would be life changing.

I believe I have the skills, experience and characteristics that would make me an excellent candidate to volunteer with the European Voluntary Service and ICYE-UK.

Yours Sincerely,

Hannah Martin

I’m a bit worried it might have been a tad too subtle.

As I typed this up I started watching the latest episode of Spooks ……..I might have something to write about that later…..just a warning.